“Kick me in the nuts,” said the drunken yuppie guy sitting next to me at the bar.
“Excuse me?” I looked at him quizzically. I was only one cocktail into my evening, so I must admit this kind of came out of left field. Not that I am not used to this kind of behavior, but I had a bad day and was just out with some friends to take my mind off things. Plus, it was early in the evening and I rarely get myself into these situations without many more cocktails in me.
“I know who you are,“ he continued while leering at me. “I know you are the girl who runs that weird fetish night here.”
“Well, good. “ I sipped my Cosmo. “It’s always nice to meet a fan.” Gulp, gulp, gulp. My cosmopolitan was done.
Now I was annoyed. I grabbed my purse to continue onto the next bar. Although my loyalty said that I always stopped at the bar my weekly promotion was at first when I was downtown, personality prevents me from staying in one place for too long. One drink or two and maybe a shot, then I usually took off to find my next adventure. Confrontation from a guy whose manhood was challenged by me without me ever even speaking to him seemed like an unwise idea, especially so early in the evening. Plus I had no security with me so didn’t want to cause trouble at the place that employs my company. Or get my ass kicked with no backup.
“No, no, no…I am not a fan. But if you think you are such a bad ass, I want to know how much it would cost for you to kick me in the nuts.” At this point Yuppie man was slurring and leaning into me so closely that the bartender came over to check on me.
The mood was a bit tense, so I attempted to lighten things.
“I am sorry. But I am off duty,” I told him. “Feel free to come out for fetish night and I would be happy to take care of your request.” I then tried to get the attention of my friends playing the video games on the corner of the bar, because it was time to go!
As I started to walk away Drunken Yuppie Man grabbed my arm. He wanted to be intimidating, but a man who is so drunk he barely knows his own name can only be so scary. The bartender started to speak up, but I just sent him a wink to let him know that I was just fine.
“I knew it,” sneered the DYM. “Just looking at you, I could tell that you can do whatever you want with all the little freaks who come out on your nights, but you would never be able to handle a real man.” He then threw my arm down and sat back on his stool (even though that took a bit of effort.)
I had tried to be good. But I guess now it was on. The gauntlet had been thrown down, and it was my choice whether to except it or walk away. I never walk away.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please!” I yelled to the seven people in the bar that early. “My new friend here has offered to buy the entire bar a cocktail if I do him a little favor.” I announced while putting my arm seductively around my Yuppie confrontor.
“What?” the Yuppie stammered. “No, I didn’t.”
The bartender just rolled his eyes. He knew what was coming next. I could almost see him thinking “uh oh, here she goes.” But at this point, he was not dumb enough to try and stop me.
“Yes, you did honey. You asked me how much it would cost for me to kick you in the nuts.” I continued, and of course, the few bar patrons at the thought of a free cocktail AND a free show were paying complete attention. “So I am telling you that it would cost only enough for you to buy my friends here in this bar whatever it is that they want to drink; plus tip! Then I would be perfectly happy to kick you in your balls.”
“You sir, in the corner with the red shirt on, “ I began. “What are you drinking?”
“Jagerbomb! Wooooo!” he yelled, then slumped back over in his chair, as he had obviously started drinking hours ago.
Suddenly I saw that, although this had not exactly been my plans for the evening, this was going to be fun. I continued taking the orders of those in the bar, including a man who walked in at the very end of my announcement. “Of course, I would like a cherry bomb and get one for my friend Ben here, because he is definitely going to need it.” I finished the orders; now in my zone. The bartender was a bit leery, but he began to make the drinks.
“The bartender is going to need your credit card, Ben. Because the services of girls like me, do not come cheap and we learn quickly to always get the payment up front.” The drunken Yuppie grabbed his wallet in an attempt to save face. I took it from him and proceeded to pull out his credit card and hand it to the bartender. “I do hope that card isn’t going to be declined, Ben. That would not be in your best interest.”
My friends were looking a little nervous over in the corner but at least I now had their attention. Again, as we had no security with us and are in a bar where not too many were going to protect us I could tell they were slightly concerned about how far this was going to go. There were now six men in the bar, and only one male bartender to protect us. Against three relatively small girls, one of which was about to kick someone in the groin. I noticed my friends were grabbing their keys and pepper spray; or anything they could use as weapons. They had been through this type of thing with me before.
Despite my nerves, this had now become something that I felt a need to do. “We may not always get what we like, as long as we don’t get what we deserve.” I lifted up my shot and slugged it down like a champ. As did my friends. It was on.
“By the way, “ the drunken Yuppie whispered. “My name is Pete.” I could tell in his eyes that he was already second guessing his choices for the evening.
“Okay Ben, “ I began. “What I am going to need is for you to do is stand up and put your head down.” I begin to describe the position I needed for him to be in while I was directing whatever power my 5’3” inches could muster directly at his man-member. It was obvious that Pete/Ben Drunken Yuppie asshole was getting nervous but trying to muster whatever machismo he could find since I had called him out in front of a room (not so) full of people. “I would also like to bring over my lovely assistants.” I stated while beckoning my friends over. “They will be here to hold your arms behind your back.”
“Wait!!” Pete/Ben the Yuppie protested. “I never agreed to that part.”
“Now, now silly Ben. “ I purred, still loud enough for the room to hear. “I am just a tiny girl and you are a big strong man. You asked me to do this, but I have to make sure that my safety is protected as well. You can trust me, I am a professional.” I smiled. I think that he then knew what he was in for, and I don’t think he was looking forward to it.
He puts his head down in defeat and just sighed. “Please don’t kick me too hard,” was all he could muster to say.
“On the count of three!” I yelled. “One, two, three!” The crowd followed.
Now, I was nice. I didn’t take a running start, or even use my foot. I decided to use my knee. And I did not kick him as hard as I could, because a promise is a promise. However, I did not promise that I wouldn’t knee him repeatedly while my friends were behind him punching him in the back and pulling his hair. His challenge had been met.
My friends let him go, and we even helped him politely back to his bar stool. I reapplied my lipstick and grabbed my friends and my things. Before I walked away, I reached over and gently wiped the tear that was dripping down his face.
“Now Pete, maybe you will always remember not to challenge a real woman. Have a nice evening.”

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